listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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