she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
