those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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