If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
