and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
