You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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