How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
