They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
