I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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