you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
