Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
