I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
