"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
