can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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