Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
