i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
well you can't waste a boner
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
