So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
