There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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