Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
