walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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