why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
