Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
