My hand turned me down
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
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