I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
