what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
A bitchslap is in order.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
