This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
