if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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