the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
