I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
