you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
