Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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