there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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