turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
