What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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