I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You may now shotgun with the bride
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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