I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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