It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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