why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
