i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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