My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
