Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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