she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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