ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Even my vagina gasped.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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