I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
