As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize