last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
