Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize