I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
is wine microwaveable?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
