she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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