you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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