how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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