I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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