I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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