kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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