I'm so fucking centered right now
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
