My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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