Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
