4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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