i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
