that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Help. Why am I so naked?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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