apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
